Relax, Relate, Release

The funny thing about divorce is that (if you know beforehand) you always question yourself about how much is too much before that “last straw” discussion/argument/brawl. How many visits, phone calls, inappropriate/questionable actions, nights away on “business” is too much? You ask, am I being controlling or am I being deceived? It’s always sad to think about any relationship from start to finish when things end on a bad note because that is almost always stark contrast from the beginning when you were “manifested joy,” “dream come true” and all that kind of stuff.

When it first happened of course it was all kinds of emotions all at once:
Betrayal – that someone could choose another person over me after the vow that every woman hounds a man to take “to be mine exclusively”
Frustration – that I had let things fade to this point, and being the stability while she felt it was okay to venture
Disgust – that another person I thought was a friend had taken advantage of my kindness and support to use it against me or was just plain disrespectful
Anxiety – about the situation, feeling something is not right, compelling me to act because in the current state, chaotic, ain’t working
Confusion – Is this really happening? To me? Now?

You know you really don’t want to realize the situation (or you take the other extreme and grab a knife/bat/gun/Mercedes-benz and lose it). I’m probably like a lot of other people when I say I never would have thought this would happen to me, or that I didn’t see it coming. Well actually I did see it coming, in a sense. A year earlier I felt extreme uneasiness about the relationship and I addressed it. But you know the story “I’ll change, it will be different” etcetera, etcetera and I bought it partly in hopes of the equivalent of “it’s just a stage, we’ll grow out of it” and partly because I’m second guessing myself because of the remote possibility things aren’t always as they appear. Nah, screw that I knew what it was…inappropriate and disrespectful, and I took her word it wouldn’t continue along that path, much to my own demise.

I read an article on www.dearpeggy.com about “emotional affairs” and it said…
It's an emotional affair if…

--you are keeping the details of your relationship secret from your spouse

-- you are saying and doing things with the other person you wouldn't do with your spouse present

-- you are sharing things with the other person that you don't share with your spouse

-- you are making an effort to arrange to spend time with the other person

And I thought wow, I was right all along. Was it a waste? No way. If I could do it all over, I probably would, but I would be very different. Would I do it again? Hmmm, jury still out on that one. I’m not in sync yet…you know, heart saying “of course we would”, brain sayin “Hell to the naw.” What’s your take on marriage, divorce and “emotional affairs”?